Happily Me.

The above photo was taken of me and my MOST ADORABLE little boy a few years ago on an iPhone by my awesome friend Robbin Phillips. I love her.

I have spent the majority of my life uncomfortable in my skin. I was a chunky little girl, which paved the way for a life of unbearable nicknames by friends and family alike. Food was the only friend I found that brought me much of the comfort I couldn’t find in humans. It was there to soothe, calm and comfort a world that never really felt quite right. Because of this, I have always had more of an ample shape – one that I never really felt fit my insides in the first place.  I have spent years in therapy discussing, dissecting and uncovering the hows and whys of this phenomenon and why I struggle with my weight. “I have a slow metabolism.” “I am the child of an alcoholic.” “I love to cook.” “Food = love.” The list went on. And as the list grew, so did the pain in my heart from years of not feeling like I was enough.

The other day, my friend Robbin sent me this photo. I didn’t recognize the person staring back at me. She looked happy. I would have even called her pretty. But she certainly didn’t look like the person I feel like on the inside – now or then. She looked like someone I would want to talk to at a party. Or strike up a conversation with at the park. Even hang out with on a weekend. She looked kind and interesting. I certainly didn’t notice her thunder thighs, football players knees, baby belly or wrinkled face in this picture.

We are all guilty of judging things for what they look like. But the slugfest I have put myself through for not measuring up to some ridiculous standard I have set for myself is nothing short of a Mike Tyson main event – complete with savage biting and below-the-belt punches. I have spent a lifetime beating myself up – chasing a dream of what I am supposed to look like instead of just being me. Fat or thin. Long hair. Short hair. Not tall enough. Pants too big. I have defined myself by what I look like on the outside instead of embracing the person I am inside.

And the person I know on the inside is right here in this photo, happily smiling back at me. She is someone I hope to meet up with again soon. Beautiful…Kind…Warm…and oh-so-vulnerable. But somehow, right now, that’s all okay with me.

show hide 3 comments

Robbin Phillips - YES. All that and more! I love you too.

mary - thank you for such an open and honest post. love your blog. -mary

photogirl - Thanks for the nice note Mary. It’s always good to know someone can relate to it out there. I think vulnerability is beautiful sometimes. And maybe the more we encourage each other, the better off we will be in the end. Looking forward to checking out your Etsy shop!!!

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